If you here thumping at 7:30 in the morning and think it's the cat, you're right.

Feathers all over and the day begins pursuit of small, freaked out bird who was scuttling around behind the furniture to escape Lewis. The bird is now outside, presumed living.

Why does this keep happening?

Lentil Rain, Lentil Reign

Today, while prepping some food, I managed to come up with about five stupid ways to describe lentils falling all over me and the kitchen (they've been dropping out of my hair every now and again since 11 AM). I could have written a wacky description of the event, but you don't need to think too much about dried legumes. It's sufficient to say that whenever you think "Is that bag secure enough?" the answer is probably "No."

In the writing classes I took in college,**  we learned some basic rules for better writing. Things like keeping sentences at one line or less and  using one word instead of two when possible. Among the most important (and at times most difficult to execute) is "murder your darlings."*** A darling is that clever phrase that you want to put in your writing, even if it's too much/too long/tangential.

You can spot your darling when you start restructuring your writing around it or--worse yet--build a whole piece around a certain phrase rather than a concept. You might also question anything that is sexual to describe a non-sexual item, uses a simile or metaphor you've impressed yourself with or anything you think is the first time anyone might have phrased in that way. But generally, you just know a phrase needs to be cut because you want it in there so badly that you're willing to compromise the rest of your selection, just to get it in there.

Fortunately for armchair editors like myself and the turgid writing minds waiting to drip their juices on us like a fecund cheerleader (see what I did there?), we have Facebook now. All those words, all that imagery, all that CLEVER can be neatly packaged in a status message. If you can't murder your darling, at least put it somewhere it does the least harm.

And now, my (non-lentil) darling of the day

 "Remember, you have vole karma on your side."

** No, I have never fancied myself a "writer," in that I lack storytelling capability.  I could be "paid to write," but that's different from "being a writer."  I was once paid to be the Easter Bunny, but it doesn't mean I'm the next Fred Rogers.

*** Through the magic of the internet, I've *just* learned the origin of the phrase, attributed to Sir Arthur Quiller Couch, a Cornishman from Bodmin. This entire Wikipedia article is delightful to me, as it brings together the darling, the southwest of England and Wind in The Willows. Feel free to guess which characters The English and I identify with.

40-minute rolls in 25 minutes, as Told by The Queen of the Wiki

I promise I am not starting a food blog. I assure you the Western world has plenty of food blogs. The Eastern world probably does, too, but I'm too lazy to find and translate them.

Need Nice Buns, Cheap

The story of the rolls** Is that we were in Whole Foods getting lamb burger supplies. At seeing $5 for four ciabatta buns, we declared "F*** that" because we already make bread and pizza dough, so why pay for hamburger buns. A recipe search ensued (for about 10 seconds) and  I made buns.

Recipe Improvements

Like my friend's Great Aunt Lily, I find that cooking shows don't show enough about how to prep and clean. If you want people to cook (they want people to buy the prepackaged meals on the commercials), you have to make the cleaning process easy. "Cooking"--i.e. the application of heat to food--usually doesn't take much time unless you have to stir a sauce or gravy. Most things either get a quick jab with a spoon every now and again. It's cleaning, chopping, figuring out what to use because you don't have a Chinoise sleeve and all the other bits that take up the time.

Hence, I have added ALL my steps and made the instructions carry a similar level of detail as the technical wikis I've written. The recipe will still take longer the first couple times, but I hope that the cleaning tips and timing will make the process better for someone (namely me, if I go a while without making them). Don't feel intimidated by the number of steps--it's just more specific than most recipes.

The Recipe
Read through the whole recipe first. These make nice small buns. If you want bigger, lighter buns, you can let them rise or do a double-rise, but this method gets you small rolls with a lot of texture. 

Ingredients  

2 tablespoons active dry yeast
1 cup warm water (and you may need more if the dough gets dry)
1/4 cup light brown sugar (I use less if I want rolls to be less sweet)
1/3 cup  olive oil (cheap oil is fine, original recipe calls for vegetable oil)
1 egg
3 cups unbleached white flour, plus ~1/2 cup to add to dough, if needed and for flouring counter. (If you use whole wheat flour, use just under 3 cups and sift it)
olive oil to spread on rolls (or butter, if you prefer)
* original recipe calls for a pinch of salt, which I do not use in order to encourage more rising.
Equipment KitchenAid or similar mixer, dough hook attachment and bowl *If you don't have a mixer, you can make the recipe and hand-knead, as described in the original recipe (link at the end of this one)*
spatula
liquid measuring cup
dry measuring cups and spoons
cookie sheet and silicone mat (or grease the sheet)
cooling rack ( or plater or whatever if you don't have a cooling rack.)
basting brush or olive oil sprayer
clean cloth or something to cover them with like a clean, large paper bag

Directions

0. Clean yourself some counter space and get your ingredients and supplies out and ready.

1.Place yeast in mixer bowl

2. Add warm water and stir

3. add light brown sugar and stir.

4. loosely cover and let stand for 5 minutes. set a timer. Ideally, set the bowl in a warm area (example--I put mine next to the stove if I have something bubbling or on top if the oven is on).

5. measure out your oil and make sure you have your cookie sheet, etc ready.(The point here is to use this five minutes constructively, especially if you are pressed for time).

6. when your 5 min timer goes off, preheat oven to 420. (not a euphemism. also, you may find your oven heats faster or more slowly, but the point is to remember to preheat your oven so that's ready)

7. Uncover your yeast/sugar/water mixture. Add the oil into the mixer bowl.

8. Add the egg to the mixer bowl.

9. Put the flour in the mixing bowl.

10. Put the bowl on the mixer stand-with-dough hook. Use speed 1/2 for about 5-7 minutes. Shut off the mixer and move to the next step.

* Set a timer! You do not want the dough to get overworked.*  I like it slightly on the sticky side (especially for wheat). A decent test is that if you stop the mixer and raise the dough hook, most of the dough should be in a ball and slide off with it's own weight. Stickier dough is messier to work with, but I err on the side of moist and add flour while hand-finishing the kneading, if needed.

11. Sprinkle ~1 tablespoon of flour on a clean counter space and set the cookie sheet nearby. Make sure the cookie sheet has whatever coating (silicone mat, olive oil, butter, paper) you're using to keep the rolls from sticking (nonstick cookie sheet itself it fine).

12.Scrape down the sides of the mixer bowl and get the dough into the middle of the bowl, then dump the dough onto the floured counter. Use the spatula to get the bits out. (Put the bowl in the sink and the hook in the bowl and fill with water to start your cleaning early).

13. Knead the dough a bit by hand (20 secs or so) to get it into a symmetrical lump. Symmetry makes it easier to divide evenly into twelve pieces. The dough should be elastic. Lots of info and videos online about what that means, but a smooth, pleasant dough that sticks a little to unfloured fingers but not to floured fingers.

14. Cut by halves and thirds to get twelve evenly-sized blobs of dough.  Try not to squish the main parts of the dough, as at this point it's proofing (rising) a bit.

15. GENTLY shape dough blobs into rolls by  pinching the squarish bits under the dough, then cupping the blobs in your hand and rounding. Shake more rather than squishing. Imagine it's a flower you're rolling around. Or something.  Place it on the cookie sheet. Note--I have also made hot dog buns-- just change the shape and size.

Optional: If you are using wheat or for any reason feel like your dough is dry, you can brush/spritz with olive oil or butter.

16. If the oven is ready, put the rolls in. Set the timer for 8 minutes. Make sure you have your cooling rack, olive oil (or melted butter) and clean cloth/bag ready.

17. When the timer goes off, you should evaluate how you want them.  Best to look through the oven window, if you have one and your light works, etc. Peek rather than opening the oven and taking them out.

*If you're going to reheat them  to be served more than an hour or so, you may want to leave them partially baked (par-baked). They end up yeastier and more dense ( which most people like).

* If you're using them right away, I like them juuuust golden brown. Bake them in  60-second intervals until they are done. Err on the side of Under-baking. *They should not have totally brown domes.* If yr oven heats unevenly, you may need to rotate the cookie sheet mid-bake.

18.  Remove from oven. Brush/spritz with olive oil (or butter). *If you think they may have overbaked, switch steps 18 and 19.*

19. IMPORTANT: Get them out of the oven, off the cookie sheet and on to your cooling surface. 

20. Cover with a clean cloth or clean brown paper bag. Make sure your cooling rack isn't sitting on top of the stove (because your oven is probably warm).  *If you want a more crisp outer surface, don't cover them.

Travel: Put a layer of wax or other paper in the bottom of a paper bag. Layer rolls and paper. Tear/snip a couple vent holes in the sides of the bag.
Storage: Air-tight container.

Original recipe at: http://www.food.com/recipe/40-minute-hamburger-buns-183081

** If Food Network teaches us nothing else, it's that one must have an emotional tie to one's recipe. In this case, my emotion is "I'm not paying $5 for four hamburger buns."
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Blog of Convenience

Much like when I started this blog becuase I was moving to India and was too lazy to email people individually, I'll use the blog again to post information. Facebook, although it has it's functions, isn't very good at being an archive or a holder of information for links and recipes and such. Generally, if I have a good enough article/recipe/wacky story, I end up emailing multiple people or Facebooking it and cluttering the stream. So, You Can't Coach Fat might get updates for a while, at least until I go back to work.