CantCoachFat Restaurant List

When I was in college, I knew three roommates, all of whom had the middle name William. My movie tastes overlapped with all of them, though not in the same area. If all three of the Williams liked/disliked a movie, then the Venn diagram in my head indicated I should/should not see the movie, irrespective of what reviews or other people said.  It was a fully calibrated review system that functioned well every time.

Unfortunately, I don't have as reliable 3-Williams system for  restaurants. So, as a public service and to avoid doing what I'm actually supposed to be doing, I decided to post my list. Perhaps you can find two others and create your own triangulated system.  Some day, I may elaborate on them. For now, I'm tracking them under the categories below.

Remember, what I look for in a restaurant is probably related to a) MY taste in food  and b) MY standard for service and cleanliness ins a particular context. That means you may completely disagree. Generally, I prefer food at my or another's home now, so you should consider that fact.  We eat better  at home than most restaurants serve (and we spend the savings on scotch, port and cheese), so I'm less willing than most to pay for food. Plus, I'm cheap. I don't mind cooking or washing up, so restaurants really have to make it worthwhile.

I find Seattle's level of service to be among the worst in the world, so I'm probably biased towards places run like how I was taught restaurants should be run, but that's another story. (I'm betting most of you don't reflexively start clocking the time between being seated and "first greet," nor can you enter a restaurant and know by smell what's not being cleaned).

Most of the places listed are in Seattle and low- to mid-range, as we gave up on higher end restaurants after too many disappointments. In some cases, the food is fine but the service might be bad. Also, I don't care if something is "authentic." The fact that I can eat "Chinese food" in Seattle, Dallas, Bangalore, Paris, London and Beijing and have it be something completely different in each place is fantastic and interesting (except in London where it's bland and terrible and should always be avoided). I'm also willing to subdivide food to distinguish things like Mex-Mex from Tex-Mex from New-Mex-Mex from Cal-Mex and recognize the strengths of each. (For other-US-Mex, please refer to "Chinese food in London.")

I encourage you to do this yourself. It really underscores what a dining rut you can get stuck in. These places are in no particular order, and I've probably left off plenty of places.

Solid

7 Star(s) Pepper, 12th and Jackson (Order hand-shaven dan dan noodles, green onion pancakes, chon jin chicken, at least)

Ben Than Pho on Rainier (nice people, cheap and fast)

Red Mill Burgers (I even like the veggie burgers)

Little Uncle (either location)

Yumiko's Teriyaki, Redmond (none better(

Tippe and Drague, Beacon Hill (We can cook most of these things well, but we love this place. Don't get the steak sandwich or the Field Roast, though. Not good.)

Hana sushi, Cap Hill  (reasonably priced and fresh. Nothing fancy, but the staff is unfailingly nice.)

Taco Wagon, 12th and King (get  a burrito. Possibly best value in Seattle)
 

Good Enough to Go Back

Café Turko, Fremont (Really, really nice Turkish food)
Sitka and Spruce
Black Bottle
Local 360 (Had some very good things here and one miss that happened to be a house specialty.)
Huarichito's (Excellent margaritas, chips.
Mae Phim, downtown Seattle (#14)
Saltoro
Malay Satay Hut
Ray's Boathouse
Tamarind Tree
El Asadero, Rainier
Sichaun Chinese Restaurant on Jackson and 12th (get the fish soup. Yes, that's what it's called.)
Bizarro Italian Café, Wallingford
Zayda Buddy's (I do love a hot dish.)
Other Coast Café (Ragin' Cajun. And you only need a half sandwich. Really.)
Blue Ginger
Stellar Pizza (I haven't been back since it got new owners)
Rock Creek, Fremont (Most dishes were delicious. THE RESTAURANT WAS REALLY LOUD, THOUGH.)
Hunger, Fremont
Kabul, Wallingford (The lamb dishes were pretty good.)
La Carta de Oxaca
Chili Deli, University District

Tolerate

Jones BBQ (It's perfectly acceptable food. BBQ is sweet, so if you like dry and smoky, it won't be for you. Prices keep going up.)
Coastal Kitchen (It's hit or miss, loud and unpredictable service).
Oak, Beacon Hill (It's dark, loud and service is mediocre. The burgers and fries are good.).
Tom Douglas restaurants (They have  good service and good-but-not-great food, but the prices are too high for what you get. They're good options for a kinda-fancy lunch, though.)
Salumi (I don't eat much pork anymore, so it's kind of a waste of time for me.)
Boka happy hour (It used to be good, but I haven't been in a while.)
Senor Moose (Can be hot or miss. Esquites and margaritas are always good).
Smarty Pants (this place would rank higher if their service were better. Yes, it's bad service even for Georgetown.)
Shilla
Pecos Pit (sweeter, black peppery barbecue. I like going here every once in a while.)
Northlake pizza
Via Tribunali (I haven't been in years. the one in Cap Hill was great for a while, then it got meh. the Georgetown location was meh. Maybe they got better--who knows? I have better sources for this style of pizza.)
Flying Squirrel Pizza (Very kid-friendly without being kid-oriented.)
Tutta Bella
Efes, West Seattle (Really good food, but expensive for the portions.)
Maharaja, West Seattle (Used to be better. It'll do in a pinch.)
Joule, Fremont (Only ate here once. A couple dishes were delicious; a couple dishes were crappy.)

Avoid

Wild Ginger at Dinner. Wild Ginger at lunch is OK in a pinch.
Crush (only went here once. It was disappointing in many categories.)
Barrio, Seattle (The margaritas and salsa are good. Avoid the sliders.)
Fonda La Catrina (terrible service, loud, hit or miss food. Good drinks, though).
Chutney's
Dixie's BBQ
any steakhouse in Seattle
Shanghai Garden (Used to be good. not anymore)
All Purpose Pizza (Good sauce and pizza if you can manage to get there during operating hours, but $50 for a pizza, salad and a pitcher? The pizza isn't *that* good, and that style of pizza is easy to make at home.)
Traveler's Indian Beacon Hill (People say this is "authentic Indian". The pani puri was good, but everything else lacked body. Near as I can guess, it's run by some guys who lived on an ashram. We never see Indians in there. I might give it another try some day.)
Quetzel, Beacon Hill (used to be a nice, family-run place. Now they have booze, a bar, bad service and mediocre, over-priced food.)
Ezell's or Heaven Sent Chicken (My fried chicken is superior.)
Hawk's Nest (Drink here. Don't eat here.)
Purple Café (Or anything from the Heavy Restaurant Group. It's just not that good.)
Molly Moon's (I don't like this style of ice cream)
Revel (I've been here at least three times. All three times, I had one good dish, two boring dishes and a bad dish or two. Also, why is the bar, Quoin, so dirty?)

Never to Dine In or Out From, Even if It's Your Friend's Birthday and Her Favorite Place Ever

Any food at a hotel or a country club, if you can avoid it (unless listed above).
The Georgian at the Fairmont Olympic Hotel
Palomino (or any of those big upscale chains around downtown Seattle or Bellevue, unless noted above)
Maggiano's (Brinker International--what is WRONG with you? This food is DIRE. I get stuck here for work functions.)
Hector's in Kirkland
Any food from Cannon Bar (the drinks are fine, though)
Von Trapp's
Cold Stone Creamery

Memorial: Please Bring Back this Place

The Silver Fork
La Cabana (OK--it wasn't great Mexican, but I loved the paintings, the portions were enough for a week and the family was really nice. sometimes it just hit the spot. Sad to see it's gone.)

Preet (The only Indian food I've had outside of India or someone's home that tastes "correct" to me.)
 

I document The English's Bread Recipe

Another bread recipe, this one with proper rising and such. Remember to read through the whole recipe first!

Ingredients
2 1/4 tsp active dry yeast
2 cups water (use slightly more if making wheat bread)
3 tbsp brown sugar ( dark or light--will affect yeast and sweetness, though. Sugar makes for a crunchy crust, but if you want the bread less sweet, cut down the sugar some. I advise using the amount above for your first loaf.)
~ 5 1/2 cups SIFTED unbleached flour (or wheat, All-purpose, bread--anything but self-rising. If you use wheat, double-sift. More sifting means lighter bread, generally. If you want wheat bread, about 2 cups of wheat and 3 white. You'll need a bit more oil and water, too--maybe a tablespoon or so of each.)
some more flour for counter flouring
1 to 3 tbsp olive oil
1/4 tsp Kosher salt
olive oil/butter for greasing and adding flavor

Equipment
timer (any timer will do)
KitchenAid mixer, mixing bowl and dough hook attchment
silicone spatula (or other bendy spatula)
large bowl (bowl will hold sifted flour)
platic lid or other item that will cover the top of the metal mixing bowl (cover, doesn't have to seal)
measuring spoons
sifter
measuring cup
liquid measuring cup
olive oil mister or basting brush and small bowl to hold oil/butter (you can grease things by hand if you don't have these)
baking pan, silicone recommended
knife
cooling rack recommended
clean cloth to cover
oven mitts
cleanup supplies

Total time including waiting and cleaning: 4-5 hours
Total active time including prep and cleaning: 1 hour (or less time, when you get the routine.)


Stage 0: prep kitchen - 10 minutes
Clear and clean counter or cutting board where you will knead bread. Do not use strong cleaners, as the bread will pick up the flavor. Make sure the surface is dry. Also, make sure you have room in the sink to put used equipment when you finish. Wash and dry your hands. Get out your ingredients and equipment and measure what you can.

Stage 1: Prep yeast and flour - 12 minutes

1) In mixer bowl, mix the ingredients below.

2 1/4 tsp yeast
3 tsp brown sugar
2 cups hottish tap water (not-as-hot as coming out of the tap, but warmer than you would give a baby. So I'm told. Remember to use a tsp to tblsp more water if adding wheat flour))

2) Cover with a lid from a storage container. Set timer for 10 minutes for the yeast activation.

3) While yeast is activating, sift and measure flour.
5 to 5 1/2 cups sifted flour (sift BEFORE you measure. Wheat flour should be sifted At least twice.)

4) When timer goes off, wash and dry your hands. Check the yeast-water-sugar mixture to make sure it started foaming. If not, start over. (possibly your water was too hot or too cold) .

Stage 2: Mixing - 10 minutes

5) Put the bowl and lock on the mixer stand. Add about a third of the flour, turn the mixer on, and then slowly pour/scoop in the remaining flour.

6) Pour in 1-2tbsp of olive oil to add flavor and moisture. Use more for wheat than for white flour.

7) Set a timer for 7 minutes to time the mixing. You do not want to overmix, so if it took you a little longer to set the timer, then reduce the amount of time. You may need to scrape down the sides of the bowl with the spatula.

8) While the dough is mixing, sprinkle flour (start with a tablespoon and see) on the countertop, put away the liquid measuring cup and clean the teaspoon and measuring cup and put them away. Put away the sifter (if you have to add a little flour later, it's ok if it's not sifted).

9) When the timer goes off, wash and dry your hands, if needed. Sprinkle in the salt.
(Salt addition is recommended for as late as possible in the process to facilitate the rise.)

10) Turn off the mixer. Look at the dough and touch it. It should be firm but not dry. I prefer to work with slightly wetter dough, but it's more difficult to manage. If the dough is too wet, sprinkle in flour a tablespoon at a time and mix for a few seconds.

Stage 3 - Prep for first rise - 7 minutes

11) Wash and dry your hands. Pull the bowl off the stand. Flour your hands. The dough will be wrapped around the hook somewhat. Spatula off the dough and stick the hook in the sink (ideally in water). Sprinkle a little bit of flour around the edges of the dough.
Take the spatula and push down the sides of the bowl to push the dough to the center so that you can drop it out in one lump on the floured countertop , if possible.
Scrape the bowl in a downward direction to get the sides clean. A bit of dough-film on the bowl is OK.

12) Mist the same bowl with olive oil.

13) Knead the dough a bit by hand (1-2 minutes). If it's sticking to your fingers or the counter, flour the surface and/or the dough.

14) Form the dough into a ball (I pinch it under) and drop into the lightly greaesed bowl. Put a lid/clean towel/ whatever over it. It doesn't have to seal.

15) Put the bowl somewhere warm. The warmer the spot, the faster the rise will occur. If you're cooking something else, on top of a warm oven is perfect. REMEMBER: dough absorbs smells, so don't smoke around your rising dough.

16) Set a timer for 45-60 minutes ( 30 if you found a good warm spot). You want the dough ball to double in size.

17) Clean the dough hook (dry dough is harder to clean) and put it away. Put away all ingredients excpt the flour and the olive oil mister. Leave the floured countertop, but you can clean up any little bits of dough. If you have any remaining measuring equipment out, it can be cleaned.


Stage 4 - WAIT TIME 40-60 minutes.
FIND SOMETHING TO DO WHERE YOU CAN HEAR THE TIMER.

18) When the timer goes off, check to see if the dough has doubled in size. If it hasn't, give it another 10-15 minutes.

Stage 5 - Prep for second rise - 5 minutes

19) Wash and dry your hands. Punch down the dough and repeat steps 11-16. You need the dough ball to double in size again. You may not need the extra bits of flour.

Stage 6- SECOND WAIT TIME 40-60 minutes.
FIND SOMETHING TO DO WHERE YOU CAN HEAR THE TIMER.

20) When the dough has doubled in size again, wash and dry your hands. Get the dough out of the bowl in the same way as before. Put the bowl in the sink with water in it.

Stage 7 - Prep for the final rise - 5 minutes

21) Punch down, knead a few times and form into a loaf shape.

22) Grease the loaf pan if it isn't silicone.

23) Put the loaf in the loaf pan. Set the same lid over the loaf pan and put it somewhere warm again. This rise will be uour last rise for this loaf.

24) Set a timer for 30 minutes.

Stage 8 -THIRD WAIT TIME 30 minutes.
FIND SOMETHING TO DO WHERE YOU CAN HEAR THE TIMER.

25) When the timer goes off, check the oven to make sure no extra pans are in it. Preheat the oven to 400.

26) set timer for 15 minutes.

Stage 9 WAIT TIME 15 minutes.
FIND SOMETHING TO DO WHERE YOU CAN HEAR THE TIMER.

27) When timer goes off, check to see if dough has risen slightly above bread pan. If not, set another timer for 10-15 minutes.

Stage 10: Prep for baking

28) When loaf has proofed up to be at or slightly above pan edge, take a knife and cut parallel diagonal lines from top corner, then criss-cross them from another corner. The cuts will make the loaf look pretty and keep it from "erupting" in the middle of the loaf. Mist the top with olive oil or butter.

29) Bake uncovered at 400 for ~30 minutes. Set a timer. While bread is baking, wash and put away everything except olive oil mister/butter, cooling rack and knife.

Stage 11 BAKING WAIT TIME 30 minutes.
FIND SOMETHING TO DO WHERE YOU CAN HEAR THE TIMER.

Stage 12: Cooling

30) Pull out the loaf when it looks ready. Golden brown lid, etc indicates readiness. If you think it might stick, run a knife around the edge of the bread pan. Tip out the loaf. Optional: mist with olive oil or top with butter pats.

31) For a nice, crispy crust, put the bread on a rack to cool. For a softer loaf, put it somewhere to cool and cover with a clean cloth. Alternately, you can start stuffing your face. Keep bread in a sealed container.

Notes: Tough bread means it was probably over-kneaded.
"Clean Towels" means they haven't been used for anything else. Towels that you have been drying your washed hands on are NOT clean enough. I'll spare you the biology lecture.
I often forget to add salt. It's fine. Just salt your bread when you eat it. Mmmmm
Bread only keeps for a few days. It will mold or harden.
I sometimes slightly underbake bread so that it's nicer when toasted later or if I am taking it over to someone's for dinner and want to pop it in the oven to heat.

Didn't You Read the Subtitle?

Life was briefly interrupted by a trip to The Republic,  optic neuritis resulting in some family management (namely poking fun at family and operating as chauffeur among medical facilities) and an absence of things to post that weren't Another Damned Food Post. I'll catch up and add a few items this week, including More Damned Food Posts and possibly some cat photos.

If you here thumping at 7:30 in the morning and think it's the cat, you're right.

Feathers all over and the day begins pursuit of small, freaked out bird who was scuttling around behind the furniture to escape Lewis. The bird is now outside, presumed living.

Why does this keep happening?

Lentil Rain, Lentil Reign

Today, while prepping some food, I managed to come up with about five stupid ways to describe lentils falling all over me and the kitchen (they've been dropping out of my hair every now and again since 11 AM). I could have written a wacky description of the event, but you don't need to think too much about dried legumes. It's sufficient to say that whenever you think "Is that bag secure enough?" the answer is probably "No."

In the writing classes I took in college,**  we learned some basic rules for better writing. Things like keeping sentences at one line or less and  using one word instead of two when possible. Among the most important (and at times most difficult to execute) is "murder your darlings."*** A darling is that clever phrase that you want to put in your writing, even if it's too much/too long/tangential.

You can spot your darling when you start restructuring your writing around it or--worse yet--build a whole piece around a certain phrase rather than a concept. You might also question anything that is sexual to describe a non-sexual item, uses a simile or metaphor you've impressed yourself with or anything you think is the first time anyone might have phrased in that way. But generally, you just know a phrase needs to be cut because you want it in there so badly that you're willing to compromise the rest of your selection, just to get it in there.

Fortunately for armchair editors like myself and the turgid writing minds waiting to drip their juices on us like a fecund cheerleader (see what I did there?), we have Facebook now. All those words, all that imagery, all that CLEVER can be neatly packaged in a status message. If you can't murder your darling, at least put it somewhere it does the least harm.

And now, my (non-lentil) darling of the day

 "Remember, you have vole karma on your side."

** No, I have never fancied myself a "writer," in that I lack storytelling capability.  I could be "paid to write," but that's different from "being a writer."  I was once paid to be the Easter Bunny, but it doesn't mean I'm the next Fred Rogers.

*** Through the magic of the internet, I've *just* learned the origin of the phrase, attributed to Sir Arthur Quiller Couch, a Cornishman from Bodmin. This entire Wikipedia article is delightful to me, as it brings together the darling, the southwest of England and Wind in The Willows. Feel free to guess which characters The English and I identify with.

40-minute rolls in 25 minutes, as Told by The Queen of the Wiki

I promise I am not starting a food blog. I assure you the Western world has plenty of food blogs. The Eastern world probably does, too, but I'm too lazy to find and translate them.

Need Nice Buns, Cheap

The story of the rolls** Is that we were in Whole Foods getting lamb burger supplies. At seeing $5 for four ciabatta buns, we declared "F*** that" because we already make bread and pizza dough, so why pay for hamburger buns. A recipe search ensued (for about 10 seconds) and  I made buns.

Recipe Improvements

Like my friend's Great Aunt Lily, I find that cooking shows don't show enough about how to prep and clean. If you want people to cook (they want people to buy the prepackaged meals on the commercials), you have to make the cleaning process easy. "Cooking"--i.e. the application of heat to food--usually doesn't take much time unless you have to stir a sauce or gravy. Most things either get a quick jab with a spoon every now and again. It's cleaning, chopping, figuring out what to use because you don't have a Chinoise sleeve and all the other bits that take up the time.

Hence, I have added ALL my steps and made the instructions carry a similar level of detail as the technical wikis I've written. The recipe will still take longer the first couple times, but I hope that the cleaning tips and timing will make the process better for someone (namely me, if I go a while without making them). Don't feel intimidated by the number of steps--it's just more specific than most recipes.

The Recipe
Read through the whole recipe first. These make nice small buns. If you want bigger, lighter buns, you can let them rise or do a double-rise, but this method gets you small rolls with a lot of texture. 

Ingredients  

2 tablespoons active dry yeast
1 cup warm water (and you may need more if the dough gets dry)
1/4 cup light brown sugar (I use less if I want rolls to be less sweet)
1/3 cup  olive oil (cheap oil is fine, original recipe calls for vegetable oil)
1 egg
3 cups unbleached white flour, plus ~1/2 cup to add to dough, if needed and for flouring counter. (If you use whole wheat flour, use just under 3 cups and sift it)
olive oil to spread on rolls (or butter, if you prefer)
* original recipe calls for a pinch of salt, which I do not use in order to encourage more rising.
Equipment KitchenAid or similar mixer, dough hook attachment and bowl *If you don't have a mixer, you can make the recipe and hand-knead, as described in the original recipe (link at the end of this one)*
spatula
liquid measuring cup
dry measuring cups and spoons
cookie sheet and silicone mat (or grease the sheet)
cooling rack ( or plater or whatever if you don't have a cooling rack.)
basting brush or olive oil sprayer
clean cloth or something to cover them with like a clean, large paper bag

Directions

0. Clean yourself some counter space and get your ingredients and supplies out and ready.

1.Place yeast in mixer bowl

2. Add warm water and stir

3. add light brown sugar and stir.

4. loosely cover and let stand for 5 minutes. set a timer. Ideally, set the bowl in a warm area (example--I put mine next to the stove if I have something bubbling or on top if the oven is on).

5. measure out your oil and make sure you have your cookie sheet, etc ready.(The point here is to use this five minutes constructively, especially if you are pressed for time).

6. when your 5 min timer goes off, preheat oven to 420. (not a euphemism. also, you may find your oven heats faster or more slowly, but the point is to remember to preheat your oven so that's ready)

7. Uncover your yeast/sugar/water mixture. Add the oil into the mixer bowl.

8. Add the egg to the mixer bowl.

9. Put the flour in the mixing bowl.

10. Put the bowl on the mixer stand-with-dough hook. Use speed 1/2 for about 5-7 minutes. Shut off the mixer and move to the next step.

* Set a timer! You do not want the dough to get overworked.*  I like it slightly on the sticky side (especially for wheat). A decent test is that if you stop the mixer and raise the dough hook, most of the dough should be in a ball and slide off with it's own weight. Stickier dough is messier to work with, but I err on the side of moist and add flour while hand-finishing the kneading, if needed.

11. Sprinkle ~1 tablespoon of flour on a clean counter space and set the cookie sheet nearby. Make sure the cookie sheet has whatever coating (silicone mat, olive oil, butter, paper) you're using to keep the rolls from sticking (nonstick cookie sheet itself it fine).

12.Scrape down the sides of the mixer bowl and get the dough into the middle of the bowl, then dump the dough onto the floured counter. Use the spatula to get the bits out. (Put the bowl in the sink and the hook in the bowl and fill with water to start your cleaning early).

13. Knead the dough a bit by hand (20 secs or so) to get it into a symmetrical lump. Symmetry makes it easier to divide evenly into twelve pieces. The dough should be elastic. Lots of info and videos online about what that means, but a smooth, pleasant dough that sticks a little to unfloured fingers but not to floured fingers.

14. Cut by halves and thirds to get twelve evenly-sized blobs of dough.  Try not to squish the main parts of the dough, as at this point it's proofing (rising) a bit.

15. GENTLY shape dough blobs into rolls by  pinching the squarish bits under the dough, then cupping the blobs in your hand and rounding. Shake more rather than squishing. Imagine it's a flower you're rolling around. Or something.  Place it on the cookie sheet. Note--I have also made hot dog buns-- just change the shape and size.

Optional: If you are using wheat or for any reason feel like your dough is dry, you can brush/spritz with olive oil or butter.

16. If the oven is ready, put the rolls in. Set the timer for 8 minutes. Make sure you have your cooling rack, olive oil (or melted butter) and clean cloth/bag ready.

17. When the timer goes off, you should evaluate how you want them.  Best to look through the oven window, if you have one and your light works, etc. Peek rather than opening the oven and taking them out.

*If you're going to reheat them  to be served more than an hour or so, you may want to leave them partially baked (par-baked). They end up yeastier and more dense ( which most people like).

* If you're using them right away, I like them juuuust golden brown. Bake them in  60-second intervals until they are done. Err on the side of Under-baking. *They should not have totally brown domes.* If yr oven heats unevenly, you may need to rotate the cookie sheet mid-bake.

18.  Remove from oven. Brush/spritz with olive oil (or butter). *If you think they may have overbaked, switch steps 18 and 19.*

19. IMPORTANT: Get them out of the oven, off the cookie sheet and on to your cooling surface. 

20. Cover with a clean cloth or clean brown paper bag. Make sure your cooling rack isn't sitting on top of the stove (because your oven is probably warm).  *If you want a more crisp outer surface, don't cover them.

Travel: Put a layer of wax or other paper in the bottom of a paper bag. Layer rolls and paper. Tear/snip a couple vent holes in the sides of the bag.
Storage: Air-tight container.

Original recipe at: http://www.food.com/recipe/40-minute-hamburger-buns-183081

** If Food Network teaches us nothing else, it's that one must have an emotional tie to one's recipe. In this case, my emotion is "I'm not paying $5 for four hamburger buns."
Shun Classic Hollow-Edge Santoku, 7" (Google Affiliate Ad)

Blog of Convenience

Much like when I started this blog becuase I was moving to India and was too lazy to email people individually, I'll use the blog again to post information. Facebook, although it has it's functions, isn't very good at being an archive or a holder of information for links and recipes and such. Generally, if I have a good enough article/recipe/wacky story, I end up emailing multiple people or Facebooking it and cluttering the stream. So, You Can't Coach Fat might get updates for a while, at least until I go back to work.

Finally, I have mailed paperwork for The English

The paperwork has been mailed. Within a day or two, the USCIS California Service Center should receive our thorough an polite request for a K1 visa for Duncan. You can see the time line here, but in sum, it looks like about 7-9 months. We might get lucky and go a little faster, but since average processing time for the first portion is about 5 months, I'm trying to be realistic.

The total package contains 103 pages and is neatly bound and tabbed in a blue Acco folder. It contains photos, forms, copies of forms, redacted emails, Facebook screenshots, Skype conversations, professional histories, a birth certificate, financial and travel records, receipts, hand-written letters and even a picture of my ring.

I hope our reviewers find us witty, but I suspect not. Generally, I live in fear of getting the wrong reviewer who will cite us on a minor detail that I left out that will continue the delays. I cannot imaging what this process must be like for someone who doesn't speak English and/or doesn't have the benefit of the type of work I have done in the past. VisaJourney.com has been a huge help to us.


What the hell took you so long to file?

We were engaged by the end of July (though made no announcement until it was clear that Mom would find out from us and not, say, Facebook), but The English had to update his official documents, and some items required signatures. Arguably, I should have reviewed the documents while in the UK, but in the end, we kept finding new things that had to be signed instead of emailed or faxed. Then we had the Sheep Incident, where we learned that Customs does not accept packages that make sheep noises and are presumably unable to discern the hopeful bleating of Shaun the Sheep toys (and the soft rustle of our visa paperwork with them) from hostile intent. Part of the documents were carried by a friend from London to Seattle and the remainder ended up neatly folded in a Diwali card which took over TWO WEEKS to arrive in the US, though normal air mail takes only 2-4 days. The card was square and presumably USPS can't auto-sort it. Sixteen days of hope-and-dismay at the mailbox.


FAQ

Can't you just get married and th--? Yes, but the wait would be longer.
Can The English come here while you wait? No.
Can you work from the UK? Unlikely.
When will you see him again? Probably after Christmas.
How about Canada? He can live and work in Canada, but his jobs are in London.
What if he gets a job here? If you want to hire him, please feel free.
Did you use an attorney? I spoke to an attorney, but it was expensive, and most of the time I spent was gathering info. When the greencard bits happen, we'll probably hire someone to finish the process.
How much did it cost? $455 for the application, and we've spent a couple hundred more on passport photos, printouts and shipping.
Did you include the engagement story? No. You can make a deal with The English if you want to hear it.
"I have a friend/coworker/neighbor who married a foreigner, and they..." It's been helpful to hear others' experiences, but many people you know probably a)got married before 2001, or b)were already on a work or student visa when they got engaged. Maybe I could find an attorney that could cut off a few weeks, but what I've read and the attorney I spoke to indicate that we are on the right path. Optimally, The English gets a job here that sponsors him on a work visa, but the odds of that happening are very low. I would gladly work in London for a year, but all my clients are here (plus my previous client had about all of me they could take), and it's hard to keep building out a practice from London. Then again, any London start-ups who want to hire me: I am exceedingly clever and an important component of your organisation, and you want to hire me starting in January.

Feel free to ask more questions and/or check the previous post for other questions.

Ah, romance...How to Import a Husband

I'm marrying an Englishman. In fact, I refer to him as The English because he is THAT English. Only K2 is more English. I have listened to them discuss tea.

I don't know when we will marry, other than "as soon as we can." Having made up my mind, I'm not interested in goofing around planning an elaborate wedding (since I worked catering about a million and seven of them while in college). Unfortunately, The US Government has to validate our nuptials.

Behold--a set of Frequently Asked Questions.

Are you moving to the UK or is he moving here?
The English is moving here, we hope.

Would you have gotten married if he could just live here?
Hell, yes. And I'll move there, if it comes to that.

Can't you just get married and then bring him here as your husband?
We could, but the process to get his permanent resident status would take much longer.

Where are you getting married?
We will get legally married in the US.

When are you getting married?
We don't know.

When will he be back in the US?
We don't know. It may be possible to enter the US during the visa process, but it's not recommended, and his visa interview must be done in the UK.

Why don't you know when you're getting married? Is it really *that* hard to get a visa if you're getting married?
He is a British citizen. Before we get married, we have to file for what is known as a K1 or "fiance" visa. Yes, it's tedious and expensive because USCIS has to look out for things like this: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/feedarticle/8573486.

What's the process for getting the visa?
Before we file for the K1, we both need to make sure we are administratively set--passports and driver's licenses are up-to-date, etc. We started this process in August, and it'll take 4-6 weeks to complete, if all goes well with the British government.

The next step is to start the visa process. Getting a visa can take anywhere from 3 months to over a year (or not at all), depending upon how things go. I start by filing I329 forms (which require G325's) and paying $455 to the Department of Homeland Security.

The U.S. Embassy site in the UK recommended allowing 3-4 months from the time the Immigration Center receives my application for the first portion of the visa to process. At that point, my betrothed will start his portion of the process. Feel free to read about it here: http://www.usembassy.org.uk/cons_new/visa/iv/fprocessing.html.
Among other things, he fills out forms, undergoes a medical exam by one of two U.S. Embassy-sanctioned medical centers at a cost of £180 (about the same cost as an uninsured person would pay for a doctor's appointment in the U.S.), presents his (clean, yes) crime record and provides proof that he "is not likely to become a public charge." Unless he manages to get a job and visa from a U.S. company (unlikely), he'll present a notarized affidavit from me guaranteeing that I will financially support him (which I will do happily, since he's giving up London!).

He will then be granted (we hope) a formal interview. He must do the interview at the American Embassy in the UK. Then, we allow several more weeks for processing. If all goes well, we will be issued a K1 visa.

We have 6 months to use the visa and must marry within 90 days of him legally entering the U.S.

So, if everything goes as planned, we might be able to marry in early 2010. Or not.

Are you going to hire an attorney?
We may hire an attorney if it looks like things are going to get hairy. A lot of websites exist that are USA/UK marriage-specific, and reviews are mixed as to whether or not one needs an attorney.

We have recommendations for an attorney here in Seattle.

Can you hire an attorney to make it go faster?
I have not seen anything online in discussion forums indicating you can expedite a K1 visa.

Is it going to be like that movie Greencard?
No, and stop reminding me of Andie MacDowell.

What does the visa application require? Do you have to know everything about each other??
The K1 visa requires that I show I am a U.S. citizen, he is eligible to become a U.S. citizen, and that nothing shady is going on--i.e. we have actually met and really intend to marry. I'm sure some website like www.illegallyimportbridesforprofit.com has a lot of tips and tricks that we don't need. Neither one of us has a criminal record, we have pictures and witnesses of us together, The English has never overstayed a visa, and I make enough money to sponsor an immigrant (>$17,500.00 per year).

And that's it then?
No. After the K1, we have 90 days to apply for his permanent residency status and start another long process so that he can stay and eventually work.

Can he leave the US?
Probably not until he has residency status.

So, now what?
Waiting. Lots of waiting. We won't plan the wedding until we are at least through the first part of the process. Originally we had hoped November, then February, but we really can't tell.

How long until he can work after you're married?
It looks like--and it gets hazy here because I'm more focused on just getting him here--it depends on who hires him and what the work situation will be like. I believe he may be able to start working once he has his conditional permanent resident status. It may be two years before he is legal to work in the U.S.

What if he got an H1 or something?
It might change things some, or it might just be too confusing and jeopardize the process.

Will you have two weddings?
Probably not, and we are not likely to have a big ceremony. It just depends on how things go.

How did he propose?
Classified.

well, did he get down on one knee?
No, nor do I have a diamond ring. It was made clear to The English that a ring is not something I want. I would have worn one if he wanted me to, but it's not really my thing. We will have wedding bands, though.

Are you changing your name?
Hyphenation is under discussion.

Are you excited?
Of course we're excited--in a really long, delayed administrative fashion.

Would You Like to Play a Game?

Why not play Go, courtesy of the ever-clever Dave Peck?

http://go.davepeck.org/get-going/


Oh, yes, and I'm "back"
Or would that be "I'm gone?" I head to the UK next week for month of rest, remote client work (all done with previous client) and general Limey-taunting. How about a FAQ:


What have you been doing since January? Working. A lot.

Are you still with Atlas?
Yep, and fired up to work with start-ups again.

What client(s) are you working on? I have internal and small client projects for the next month while I gear up for the large engagements (TBD--let me know if you want me to work with you--such things can be arranged).


If you aren't working full-time, what else are you doing?
Putting my life back in order--appointments with dentists, vets, mechanics, sundry advisers and aestheticians. I'm also makign time for things like letter-writing and blog posts.


Are you going to keep your blog again?
I may blog a bit if I do anything interesting, though mostly I plan to go actually spend time in London in the museums/libraries/general history parts and go to Devon/Cornwall. Everything else is pretty much wide open.


Where are you staying?
North London with friends.

Twickenham

I'm in the Greater London area for 4-6 weeks. I love England, even though I probably feel more out of place here than anywhere else I've traveled. I think they peg me as an American even before I speak. I'm told it's my hair.

I'll be here for 4-6 weeks (home end of February or early March). Mainly I work, jog and go to the pub. Then I work more. Unlike Portugal, though, I have friends who live here, so I get to hang out in houses and be a normal person from time to time.

And now back to work...

Fund for the two surviving children of Rabbi Gavriel and Rivkah Holtzberg from bombay

Posting this link for a friend who spent time with the rabbi's family while celebrating Passover in India.


www.chabadindia.org

in case you wonder why most donation amounts are in multiples of 18...

from about.com

Question: What is the significance of the number 18 in Judaism?
Answer: The word for "life" in Hebrew is "chai." The two Hebrew letters that make up the word "chai" are chet and yud. In Gematria (the numerical value of Hebrew letters), chai is equivalent to 8 and yud is equivalent to 10. So "chai", chet and yud together, equals 18. Giving money in multiples of $18 is symbolic of giving "chai" or life.

I am not in India

I received some questions. I'm not in India. My friends are safe, though people are understandably worried. Many of them knew people affected in Mumbai. Think good thoughts for India.

Destination: Arkansas!

I went from Lisbon to London, and then London to Texas, and now I am in Eureka Springs, AK, known for its--uh--I don't know. I'm here for a wedding that I'm glad to see. I think I might be looking at some antiques tomorrow.

I ended up staying in Lisbon for about two months (minus 5 days in India). I worked many, many hours. Overall, it wasn't too bad, but I was happy to send the team home. They're great peeps, though, and they made a lot of work pass quickly.

I spent a week in the London suburbs wrapping up the Portugal project and getting deeper into the India project. The UK is adorable, and everyone is nice. Maybe they just seem nice because of the accents and constant tea offers, but I really like it there (which is good since I go back on Tuesday).

From the UK, I head back to India for a few days, and then I go back to Seattle after my three weeks-into-three-months business trip.

I'm still here

I'll be home in October, really. I seem to have a lot of work to do in Lisbon, hence no posts, little email, and it's hard to keep me on IM. I can guarantee I will be back in the USA for Alicia's wedding in October. In the meantime, I'll be working here until this sucker is complete.

No, I'm not home yet.

I'm still in Lisbon. I left Seattle about a month ago. Since then I've spent a few hours in the London office, several hours in Heathrow, ridden from Mumbai to Pune, India and returned (home?) to Lisbon. I'll come home when they run out of things for me to do.

So, uh, what are you doing?
We're deploying the next version of the software in Lisbon, and I was doing work for another possible rollout in India. The India trip was brief (6 days including travel and the day in London), and we only left the hotel once to go to the customer site on the last day. However, the work parts of it were productive and interesting, and I like my coworkers.

In Lisbon I've been pursuing more or less the same schedule of 8:30-2:30 a couple in-hotel meals and most of the day in the War Suite working. I get out of the hotel for three reasons: jogging along the Rio Tejo, meetings at the customer site every day at 4:30, and a nice dinner OUT OF THE HOTEL. Generally speaking, I am very well-fed and looked after, so the long hours aren't too bad. more importantly, I very much like the team. More later on the fun bits...

"Why American is Great" by Amy

Salads.

Hey, look--I'm in Portugal

[Note: This entry is suffering from my serious sleepiness.]

So, as it turns out, India is not my only travel destination. I'm in Lisbon for two weeks to help out the Portugal deployment. Since most of my India project team is in the UK and most of my questions get answered by email anyway, it only made sense for me to come out for a couple weeks and help out when I can (the full Portugal team busted some serious abacaxi here and deserves a break). I'm here for a couple weeks, then I go to London for a day. The same night a few of us head to Mumbai, then drive to Pune for three days of meetings. After that, it's unclear if I will return to Seattle, Lisbon, or London before making a trip to Madrid. It's not as glamourous as it sounds, as it generally means lots of meetings and stuffy rooms full of tech people.

Lisbon is pleasant
We stay in the area along the river near Vasco de Gama Center. The architecture is very modern, and the area was the site of the 98 World Expo. I've spent the bulk of my time working in a suite with some of the project team and the other part at the customer site, though I have had a nice dinner every night. The hotel is nice, and I'm well cared for. Mom, stop worrying.

I hope to see the aquarium (more or less across the street, maybe catch an art museum, and visit something historic. Because the work is pretty heavy, I'm not likely to get to do much touristing, but at least I can eat well.

Now where did I put that metronidazole...

I've been back from Mumbai for several days now, but a little piece of India decided to come back with me. I don't know if it was the food at the fancy hotel or stuff I ate later in the week, but my stomach's been out-of-whack. It's getting worse daily, and I today I noticed light rash covering my body. I'm assuming whatever it is will not leave without encouragement, so I gave up on letting it run its course and popped some pills.

Mumbai was ok. I didn't do anything exciting. Josh and I hung out and had snacks. I never got proper chai masala (the tiny cups of sweetened milk tea brewed with ground cardamom and other spices), nor did I take any auto rides. Autorickshaws are simply not permitted in South Bombay (the uber-snobby, wealthy area of Mumbai). I had some nice fresh juices (mango and pomegranate, and, no, I don't think that's what made me sick) and ate panni puri and other treats at Josh's favorite chat place. We also fake-shopped for more rugs and felt smug that Josh's rug guy gives us nicer rugs at good prices.